pieces of me.

-

i am a happy person.
just got stuck with so much drama,
almost to a point of emotional suicide.

i wish i could go get back my old self
my free spirited self.

im trying to...

i guess im trying too hard.

i hope i wont be pushing myself all the way thru.

-

i remember when i was young and my parents would
visit me during school breaks or sometimes even
when not on breaks. that early morning my dad
would wake me up to eat breakfast and he
would fix me with a glass of milk which
by the way i would cry infront of him coz i really hate the
taste of pure milk and drinking that one big
glass is just one perfect punishment for me.
and that everytime im done with it i would go inside
my bathroom and throw up coz it really feels icky.

he does that to make me comfy with milk and having these
lactose prob that i have.. well he thinks i might be
immune of it someday. which i did a bit.
i do like milk i mean it depends its like i go with
the taste that suits me and well eventhough
i got thru with the tasting part still i cant stand
it that long, i still end up seeking toilets.

i remember my mum usually cooks for us instead of
having someone to cook it for us. so our cook is pretty
much useless when she's around. i guess i got that part
of her. since i do love to cook.

i remember how my sis and i fight a lot, how she gets
my parents attention when she thinks i won over something.
we joke around we tease each other until it ends up with
a loud cry and pointing who did it first. anyways, since
im the eldest, the punishment tab's on me.

i remember when i dont have friends around when im in a different
place and that i dont know much of the people smiling at us. the
only one that's always by my side that i can get along with is my dog.
i always have him, my bestfriend with me, my dog. we just sit together
and like real bestfriends i put my arms around my dog and
talk to him like he was talking back. also, we do play a lot, he doesnt
do fetch like most NORMAL dogs do. we play wrestle,i tackle him
and not let him move for a couple of sec and he tackles me back by
grabbing my arms with his teeth but not to a point of hurting or biting me.
i just end up with some bite marks that ventually disappears a couple of minutes later.
my parents knew about our game and even watch us play.
one time he defended me from my big bully cuzn, we were fighting and
he saw me already on the floor crying, he scared my cuzn off and took me by the neck.it was like he was trying to pull a puppy out, it didnt hurt at all. he's the only dog that i have way back that my parents would let me have him sleep inside my room. why? coz they would tell him
to wake me up in the morning and yes he do wakes me up by pulling me out of the
bed by grabbing my ankle and feet and if i still wont get up, the next thing he'll do is lick me all over the face.which was really icky coz he does have this tongue streaming-saliva sometimes.

just too bad he cant be with me anymore since he got sick
and died when i was in highschool.

 
-

hey, did you know that i cut my nails
so often coz if i dont i definitely
will get ingrowns. well, its just that i
never learn how to cut my nails the right way.

did you know that i don't drink that much
water. its coffee, tea and juice.
so too much acids in my stomach is pretty much normal.
be very used to me complaining much about my tummy.

did you know that i hate rainy days and lightnings,
not that im scared of it, its just that i always
think weird about it. hey, there are so many cases
of someone struck by lightning.

and about the rainy day... most often my emotion goes with it.
(you know what i mean.)

did you know that my favourite place is my kitchen.
coz, its the easiest way to get out of stress.
visit me and you'll never get hungry!

so im stuck with this monsters game at the moment.
its an ok game. not that action-packed coz yeah
its a text-based game. get it?

oh, we (our clan) even have a site for this.
so i guess we're not losers. WE'RE SO EFFIN COOL!
coz we DA BOMB! and stick that into your head, aight?!

-

if you want to get bitten by my Vampire Character
you can click this link here.

Bite You Click ME

my Vampire name by the way is Loukas_Deponte.

if you want to visit our site.. i have the link
there at the side.. see? no? you gotta be kidding me.
open your eyes stupid! hahaha!

-

do you know?

this is one lame entry.

well anyways i cant stay and blog that long or hell
this entry doesnt feel right. what the heck am i thinking.
wait, i wasnt even thinking at all. (now you think am a freak?)

im going out later tonight with some friends. we havent hang
for quite some time now. so we're planning to get drunk some
time soon. hehehe! and they wish they could get me drunk.
you wish!

do you want some bruschetta? have you tried one? well
its ok. just something to fill your tummy.

ok nuff for now.

see yah!

can you click this link?

HERE CLICK THIS

thanks....

about me..well ill write more soon when my head's a bit clear. see yah 'round.

how i wanted to say everything is ok.
how i wanted to feel that everything is normal.

i am not ok.
i am not normal.

-

could you be happy..happier if everyone around
thinks that you better go see a shrink.
and spend time doing your "oooouussszzzaaaaahhh".
hopefully it helps?

oh..how nice.. even got a couple of hand-me-downs
calling cards. thanks a lot!

-

i am not under anti-depressants or any of those
prescription pills that would overload cabinets.
hopefully i wont be taking those somewhere
sometime in the near friggin future.

-

ahhh...and for those who are still in the middle
of capturing what the hell im talking about.
well, i tell you. its the same old thing..same old shit.

no. no. wrong. wait. do i really need a shrink?

do i really need someone to uhmm listen all
my snags and blips and giving me those
crap on what i should and should not do about it..

why not just buy like a book..
"self-counselling for dummies"?

that would be cool. atleast
ive got something to read. and re-read.

no. i dont need a shrink. (thats two negatives so
positively concluding i have to?)

gaahhh.. *snap* *snap*. earth to me. where the hell
are you?

-

i can wreak myself with so much pain
i can do anything but kill myself.

ahh..for crying out loud. i wont be doing that
for some lame reasons.

....

that a family i used to call a family
is no longer THAT family.

that people around me just suddenly gives up.

that LETTING GO was just some fugly phony words.

that everything was just for the sake of doing
ones responsibility.

that now it has been done. there's no use of
sticking together.

that family matters NO longer to me.

-

when i was young and until now.. i still have
that recalling incident on how my mum was
in her utmost angst, told me how she never
ever wanted me in her life.

oh...i was a friggin accident, ei?

that if only she knew...she knew...it was me..
i am me. she wouldve not brought me up in this...
in this....oh well..

-

i know my family is imperfect..of course.
who is? who are?

but i never thought..i never did.. in my
most infinitesimal idea in my entire lapsing sanity
that it would come into this situation.

-

ahhh..and this is what they call life.

..there's this wanting-to-be entry sleeping at the back of my mind. but just couldnt bring it out at the moment.

i had some work to do. but im so effin lazy and so effin i-dont-know what. well just put it this way... im so in the fuckin-retard mode.. oh..to cut it short. the FUCKTARD Luke is back at yer feet. oh hell yeah.

i wanted to sulk and work. so yeah at last i got to work again.. nah..not with some company hoe.. just my freelance thingie. i need to finish it by friday. and right now..i havent started it yet..not even a scratch.

but will be doing that tom..and prepare a couple of mefenamics and ibuprofens to lessen all this freakin headaches. i hope i have this pain relievers for the eyes too. ill just put a couple of drops and voila! all gone...

i wasnt here last weekend..spend days at my godmother's "mommy". they asked me to visit them.. so i did... and met with a couple of friends.. and hang for a night till mown. i tried to smile and laugh with them. so i did..so i did.

ahhhhhh...and the undying headache the next day...again...and again.

ahhh...another overdue entry..

with my life's haikus:

-

i have so many things to say.

so many words to spill.

so many thoughts to share.

so many and so many.

so many yet still not sure to tell.

-

i wish i could skip this chapter of me

this chapter of my life.

can i just choose what to think?

can i choose what to feel?

-

part of me is happy

part of me is not

part of me is lost

part of me is there

but all of me is hollow.

-

my life is pinned.

everything is still.

i dont want to walk much farther.

i want to be numb as i can be.

-

enough is enough

no more holding on

just give it up

give it up

just like that.

-

tell me im weak,

i wasnt but was made so.

tell me im strong,

i am not just thinking i was too.

-

and so lets see...

its the 10th day since my last entry.
i still have the infamous cough.
i have a very icky stomach.
i have this night colds just when im about to sleep.

-

lately im think i was overly sensitive
with everything around me.
i just had a major fight (sort of) with my dad.
he was furious at me on the other line. aint that cool?
my dad is a perfectionist, no matter how obviously
he gets wrong or commits mistakes he'll never admit
or accept it. so...if im thinking of correcting him
with some things.. id rather not. id end up on the wrong side.

oh...the absolute imperfect son. boohoo!

-

i like to think..rethink..and think more. which
could be UNgood sometimes.
too much of what should/what if/what will...
but the other side of me can be more of
the daring spontaneous adventurous type..
so im the absolute exact opposite of just ONE person.

-

actually on my way here, i was already thinking of what
to write. but as always..itll turn out writing NOT even close
to what i thought it would be.

-

Unthinkably...im not really that an ASS of a person.
my parents just thought so...and aside from them...

no one.

i make good friends, i dont have enemies.

i am not a brat who'll just explode if his ego got stepped on.

i am not a pain in the butt when im around with people.

i can blend in pretty well. i can go around UNnoticed.

i am ordinarily different. stereotypically unique.

and fractionally nothing.

just.....

"A ME TOO MANY"

-

"God, why have you forsaken me?"

i opened the radio and that is what i heard.

well, the fuzz bout da vinci and gospel of judas.
all i can say is that... no matter what you
have read or what discoveries' been unearthed..
as long as your faith is strong, then you
dont have to worry.
but when every single bit of it's been shaken..
i guess you better re-evaluate your faith then.

-

there were days when i have to dress properly.
put on my suit..., a tie that im quite uncomfy
coz i do felt like choking and my newly shined shoes.

no, im not going anywhere.
and neither meeting some big ass individual.

well...
im just doing all that..

when my dad wants to talk to me.
those were when "us" my family are in
one roof. Dad wants to see me all formally
dressed with a reason of.. he just wants to
talk to me, privately. man to man.(ehem)

have you ever experienced your dad and you
being NOT in the level of your relationship
as father and son?

-

it always been...

like moving around acting you were remotely controlled
by some higher being. do this and do that.
i want you to be this and to be that.

yes,i have the benefit of living all by
myself. yes, i have the freedom to do
anything BUT i have to within..
WHAT THEY WANT ME TO DO AND TO BE.

-

as the shadows swathe me
into a life
i knew i dont want to be.
all from the very first heartbeat
i knew i have gone to a journey
that wasnt set for me.

-

the more i wanted to voluntarily
fail everything you want me to do
the more you push me harder
into squared walls that places
me in a trap that not even
an air can escape in to.

-

as i shut myself into darkness
i realized this darkness
was what i thought was LIFE.
as i open myself into brightness
i realized this brightness
brought me a life so SADDEN.

-

what good do i bring you
when what you brought me
is not what i should be...

-

a special shout outz to

ANN ala SUPERMODEL

well, i was watching an overly pathetic weird film, God knows what that film's title was and who the hell made the effin script. Oh wait, indie films do better job than that one not to miss out the freakingly boring characters and boohoo soundtrack by which i usually hear whenever i play my freedon fighter game.. so if that's the case then prolly that film was a russian based film of some sort.. or should we say the time where it was commonly known as USSR? and to think that i was able to watch it all the way means im just one of its lamely annoyed watcher. ok enough...

i went to my relatives last sunday, they invited me to uhmm go to church. nyahah! and yes i did go. not only that one of my uncle just arrived with his family. dad also told me to go see them since he was sending me a Fossil metal strapped watch which he received as some sort of a TY gift from something he did. well he gave me that since he's not really fond of switching watches..yada yada.. oh and should i say he already got one just like that. boo.. like father like son.. and you hafta know.. my uncle gave me his so all time fave shirt brand.. Lacoste. So i guess bein really into signatures runs in the blood ei? nyahahaha! wtf!

nah... its just that my uncle's been buying that brand since God knows when.. since the time where i dont have my own credit card to flash around? nyahaha! he's really particular on the uhmm again.. (free ad for) Lacoste. which by the way i think he has a gazillion of those. ok done....

so what else did i left out? well.. ill just think it over later then.. since my bloody brain aint flowing with enough blissy-oh-fool of thoughts. ta-tah!

(WAIT... DID I JUST BRAG ALL OF A SUDDEN?)

Sorry bout that ill put something a bit sensible soon.

someone asked me this...

"Luke, how do you let go
of someone you wished
you'd be with forever?"

i was in the "hala" (is a common
expression of flips w/ a matching
temporary facial shockness) state for
a couple of sec there..

oh hey, im 23? how do you expect me
to respond on that? wait...ok lets
just say that this person was someone
who was part of my "special" past
and "friendly" present.

for me its really not about letting go.
letting go is just too huge for me, i mean
can you put away something that is part
of you and made you who you are?

and again,

Its really NOT about letting go..

it is about ACCEPTANCE.

if you will learn how to accept the
present facts given to you now, then
it wouldnt be that much of a problem.

-

i am lost between the sound of
real and unreal in the world with handful
of dreamers trying to make it real in
something factually unreal.

-

and i do so...:

-listen to house mixes all day
-run for an hour and a half
-play with my dogs
-feed myself and my dogs
-watch tv and eventually sleep afterwards
-still coughing and is coughing

-

and my mind plays a lot of thoughtful ideas,
you'll never know...you'll never know...